MAY YE REVEL NOT MUCH IN THE SINS OF YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS
(identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the guilty)
- CONFESSION: "I'm afraid I may have to murder again! I'm scared! Please help me!"
- PENANCE: "Do not take another life. A second sin in this category may be beyond redemption, especially if you have early warning as you do. Do not read Soldier of Fortune magazine. Do not listen to Rush Limbaugh or Louis Farrakhan. Do not vote for candidates who oppose gun control. Do not listen to gangsta rap. Do not smoke crack. Eat lots of saltpeter. And turn yourself into the police right now!"
- CONFESSION: "I threw away my National Geographics."
- PENANCE: "Read the collected works of Tammy Faye Baker."
- CONFESSION: "I gave my Grandmother a hot foot when she fell asleep cruising "The Spot".
- PENANCE: "Voluntary commitment to Ferndale for 72 hours."
- CONFESSION: "I murdered Virgil Dubois."
- PENANCE: "Lord have mercy on your soul. You have bloodied your hands; for salvation, you must wash them with the soap of truth. Turn yourself into the police."
- CONFESSION: "I masturbate entirely too often."
- PENANCE: "Shave your palms once a week."
Back to the Chapel